22. Born and Raised in NYC. Queer.
I would best describe myself as a furry tree-hugger!
Love comics, sci-fi and fantasy, cartoons, science, and nature.
Also love furry men, butts, and beards.
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It’s been a really cold winter. (Yes, i am going to be sappy)
It’s been a hard winter. I went through a break up nearly 2 months ago. We were together for 3 years and he basically stopped loving me…
Okay, that isn’t fair.
There is a multitude of reasons, from his cancer treatment being over and his life beginning anew, to simply not spending enough time with eachother cause i started working full time. He didn’t wanna make it work, and i wanted everything to work, even when it was broken.
I was devastated, and also relieved.
I wanted nothing more than to be with the guy and work things out, but at the same time, i wanted to also focus on myself for once. I gave up alot, and got little in return, and i suppose its wrong to be upset about that because it was a relationship, not an business venture, but i was still bitter about that part.
He was not a bad guy, nor all that selfish, he simply didnt have enough love to give, i suppose.
I’ve been trying to do more things to set up my future. In the past, i tried to frame my future around someone else, which isnt fair to myself at all. I have been trying to embrace an archetype, the Magician, someone who dazzles and gets things done. Someone who is well put together, and a miracle worker. I want someone who is also a magician, and to be next to me in center stage. I want to realize my potential, and find someone who wants the same.
Sorry, that got a little weird, I’ll get to the point.
I am looking forward to spring. I may have a new job in my lap, which hopefully means i can move out soon. I want to start my application for graduate school. I want to get more involved around my community and neighborhood. I want to make new friends, sleep with whoever i want, and wear shorts and flip flops everywhere. I want to inspire people around me, and be well liked. I want to plant a tree. I want to have a full beard and be healthy.
This has been a weird, hard, cold, brutal, winter.
But i think i handled everything in stride and did a great job.
I feel bad for my ex-partner. Everytime we talk, he always hints at how miserable he is. How he has panic attacks, worsened anxiety, and worsening depression. All after he broke things off with me. I dont know what that is supposed to mean, nor why he tells me these things. I want to help because i do love the guy, but if this is a hint that he made a mistake and or regrets his decision, too bad.
I am finally doing all this self-actualizing and working on loving myself.
need want someone who loves themselves too.
need want someone who wants me.
I do want him back, and I miss him alot, but at the same time I want him back when he’s ready to give it his all.
And even then, i may have already moved on.
Anyway, point is. Im so glad spring is coming. I feel really good about my life and future. I’m not where I want to be yet, and I’m not completely over the heart break. But i think i have the right tools in front of me to get past all that in a healthy way.
i just need time, wisdom, and gin.
And men. I have finally unleashed my inner wolf.
That last part may be inappropriate and awkward, sorry irl friends.